The Greatness of the Family Framework

In the first verses of our parasha we read about the dream of Yaakov Avinu, in which he merits to see “a ladder set upon the earth, and its top reached to heaven, and behold, angels of God were ascending and descending on it” (Bereshit 28:12). On this occasion Yaakov Avinu merited to see the angels only in a dream, but not in actual reality.

By contrast, in the last two verses of our parasha the Torah says: “And Yaakov went on his way, and angels of God met him. And Yaakov said when he saw them, ‘This is the camp of God,’ and he called the name of that place Machanayim” (Bereshit 32:2–3). On this occasion Yaakov Avinu merited to see the angels in actual reality, face to face.

In addition: at the beginning of our parasha, when Yaakov Avinu saw the angels in a night dream, he needed Hashem to guard him from them so that they would not harm him, as it is said in the dream: “And behold, Hashem stood over him” (Bereshit 28:13), and Rashi explains that the meaning is that Hashem stood over Yaakov to guard him from the angels, so that they would not harm him out of their jealousy. By contrast, at the end of the parasha, when Yaakov Avinu saw the angels in actual reality, he needed no protection from them at all, since they had no power whatsoever to harm him.

We must understand: what change took place in Yaakov Avinu between his standing and spiritual state at the beginning of our parasha – because of which he was fit to see the angels only in a dream, and even then needed Hashem to guard him from them – and his standing and spiritual state at the end of the parasha, because of which he was fit to see the angels in actual reality, and even then not to fear them at all?

Yaakov’s marriage made him into the aspect of “Adam,” and in its merit he saw the angels in reality

The answer to this: according to the words of Chazal, a person who is not married is not called “Adam” at all, as it is said: “Male and female He created them… and He called their name Adam” (Bereshit 5:2) – implying that only both of them together are called “Adam.” And similarly it is explained in the holy Zohar, and these are its holy words:

Whoever is not found as male and female is called “half a body,” and blessing does not rest upon a thing that is blemished and lacking, but only in a complete place, upon a complete thing and not upon half a thing; and half a thing does not endure forever and is not blessed forever.

That is to say: whoever is not found in the aspect of male and female, meaning that he is not married, is called only “half a body” and not a complete body. And blessing does not rest upon a thing that is blemished and lacking, but only in a complete place; and half a thing does not endure forever and is not blessed forever.

Since at the beginning of our parasha Yaakov Avinu had not yet merited to marry a wife and establish a glorious home, his spiritual level was still lacking. Therefore he was not yet fit to see the angels in actual reality but only in a dream, and even then he needed protection from them.

By contrast, at the end of our parasha Yaakov Avinu had already merited to marry and to bring down into the world the holy souls of the tribes of Hashem, from whom came forth all the holy seed of the House of Israel. Therefore his spiritual level at that time was many times more exalted than what he had at the beginning of the parasha, and because of this he was already fit to see the angels in actual reality, and needed no protection from them at all.

The great power of the family framework and the importance of investing in it

This teaches us how immense is the power of the family framework. A single man, however holy he may be, still lacks wholeness, protection, blessing and siyata diShmaya (Heavenly assistance). But a person who merits to marry a wife and bring holy children into the world is truly whole, in the aspect of “a vessel that holds blessing,” and his family framework grants him a wondrous protection, truly like a fortified wall.

Therefore a person must invest great efforts to guard his family framework so that it does not, Heaven forbid, collapse. A person is obligated to do everything in his power to guard well the shalom bayit (domestic peace) with his dear wife.

Indeed, a precious and important counsel for shalom bayit we can learn from our parasha itself. In our parasha it is told that Hashem revealed Himself to Yaakov Avinu in a night dream and commanded him: “Arise, go out from this land and return to the land of your birth” (Bereshit 31:13).

Nevertheless, Yaakov Avinu does not hurry to do so on his own initiative. Rather, he first called Rachel and Leah, his dear wives, shared with them the matter of the dream and consulted with them about it, and only after he received their consent did he arise and act.

This teaches us that every person who desires that peace should always dwell in his home should never do things or make decisions behind his wife’s back and without her knowledge. Rather, he should share with her every step of his life and consult with her about it, and only if she agrees with him should he do it; and if not – he should desist from it immediately.

An example of this: sometimes a person has a great desire to travel to the graves of tzaddikim, to pray and to be strengthened, and so on. Certainly this is a good and precious desire, and it is a great privilege to visit the graves of tzaddikim. Even so, before he decides to travel, he should first share it with his wife, tell her of his wish and ask her permission to travel; and only if she agrees with a full heart and with joy should he do so. For then her blessing will accompany him on his journey and protect him, and he will also merit that his prayers be accepted with favor before Hashem.

Being careful about the honor of one’s wife, not to cause her pain

However, if his wife does not agree to it for understandable and genuine reasons, he should not insist on doing it against her will, since he will cause her pain thereby, and that pain will arouse a great accusation against him, because of which siyata diShmaya will be taken from him and all his prayers will be pushed away from before Hashem. Chazal have already said: “A person should always be careful about wronging his wife – for since her tears come readily, the punishment for wronging her is near.”

In the past I knew a certain Jew who was an outstanding Torah scholar and a great G-d-fearing man, but who had one great fault. He would never share his decisions with his wife; rather, he would get up and act without informing his wife at all, and certainly he would not ask her permission and consent for it. When he felt like traveling to the graves of tzaddikim, he would simply “disappear.”

His wife wrote to me about this out of the deep pain he caused her every time anew, and I answered that they should remind him of the above words of Chazal – “A person should always be careful about wronging his wife, for since her tears come readily, the punishment for wronging her is near” – and they should add that there is great danger in this. But he paid no attention to the words and continued in his faulty way.

After not a long time they told me that one day he traveled to the graves of tzaddikim in the north (presumably without informing his wife, as was his unholy custom), and on his way back he was killed in a terrible accident. Alas for those who are lost. Had he listened to my counsel, he would have asked his wife’s permission before the journey, and her consent and blessing would have accompanied him on his way and protected him from all harm; he would have lived long, and without a shadow of a doubt he would also have merited to be one of the great Torah leaders of the generation.

Mutual respect binds husband and wife together

To what has been said we should add: when a person always strives to treat his wife with respect, to draw her close and to gladden her with all his ability – through this he binds her to himself with heart and soul, and consequently she will never need to seek attention in foreign places. Her husband will be a crown on her head, and she will devote herself to him and do his will with all the strength, love and willingness in the world.

And likewise regarding the wife: when she strives to treat her husband with great respect and to honor his will, and likewise never does things, Heaven forbid, without her husband’s knowledge, but always asks his permission and consent for everything she wishes to do – her husband will not, Heaven forbid, need to seek foreign things outside the home, Heaven forbid, but will be bound to the wife of his youth with all his heart and soul and devote his whole life to her.

We will conclude with the sweet words of the Rambam – and fortunate is the one who fulfills them, for they are the foundation of the success of every home in Israel:

And so the Sages commanded that a man should honor his wife more than himself and love her as himself. If he has money, he should increase her good in accordance with his means. He should not cast excessive fear upon her, his speech with her should be gentle, and he should be neither sad nor angry. And so the Sages commanded the wife that she should honor her husband exceedingly, that she should hold him in awe, that she should do all her deeds according to his word, and that he should be in her eyes like a prince or a king; she should follow the desires of his heart and distance all that he dislikes. This is the way of the holy and pure daughters of Israel and sons of Israel in their union, and in these ways their dwelling together will be pleasant and praiseworthy.